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The Mojang buyout #minecraft #mojang #microsoft

[There was supposed to be an Watch analysis here, but then I heard about this.  So fuck the analysis.]

 

Because the first thing you do as a huge company with a sandbox game is to be beaten cross-eyed with the compitition.

 

I don’t have high hopes for Minecraft.  I know that’s saying anything and everything, and I completely agree.  Minecraft created a bigger following than anything any professional games company could make.  Ratchet and Clank?  There’s no cult following there.  Super Mario 64?  Kind of.  Banjo Kazooie?  Great game, but not really a religious following.

Ratchet and Clank was supposed to capitalize on the third-person shooter genre.

Super Mario 64 wasn’t even finished.  It was literally hacked together because Nintendo was pressed for time.

Banjo Kazooie…well it was lucky…that and Rareware already knew what it was doing.

Minecraft is kind of the same thing:  Notch was just derping around with Javascript in his free time, decided to put it on the Internet, and VOLIA, instant hit.

 

Super Meat Boy was an indie project too.  Every hit game seems to start out as either a specific mindset or a lucky break.

 

And then the big guys step in and buy everything, then only focus on what is Basically Globally Popular (the BGP), and crank out shooter after shooter after shooter after shooter after shooter after shooter after shooter after shooter after shooter after shooter and they all get suckier and suckier…until the fandom just dies from boredom.

 

Do you know why this happens?  [Long explanation incoming…bear with me]

Pretend you’re a CEO.  Your company is doing moderately fine, you’re cranking out games…people are sort of playing them maybe…then a new technology comes along:  Motion controls!  Suddenly it’s all the rage!  And your company has to get in on the action!  So what do you do?  You tell your lackeys to contact Nintendo and offer to develop games for the Wii, and in return Nintendo gets 25% of the profits.  Nintendo agrees, and sends you the Wiimote SDK.  Your programmers take a look…and piss their pants.  They’ve never dealt with things like this.  They take one look at all the CalibrateRemote(3, 6, 100) if MotionX > 100 Round(10[+/-1]) and decide “Well…we’re not paid well enough for this, let’s just copy the required libraries and cobble together what we can figure out.”

They don’t spend a couple years actually learning the code.  Because the more time spent learning is more time for their previous games to start dropping in sales, and if that happens, their moneys go away.  And companies love moneys, because moneys allow them to hire more people.

 

And that’s exactly what happens.  Your programmers can’t figure it out.  All their demos (meaning 2 or 3) look half-assed and don’t work at all.  But you don’t have time to sit on your ass and waste time with stupid people, so you throw more people and money at it.  You hire even more programmers in the hopes that they can gather enough brain cells together to crank out a half-decent product.

 

Then an idea comes along.  A shooter!  Shooters are popular, motion controllers are popular, 2+2=4.  Motion controlled shooter.  Everyone likes it (or at least wants the profit), so the programmers break out the SDK, copy the libraries to the project file, inject their demos, spend as little time as possible wondering why the game thinks that suddenly moving the controller a million miles an hour over to the other side of the screen and back is valid, package the game, load it onto CDs, and done.  And it sucks.

Because in-game, as soon as you move, you fall through the map because their original in-house 3D engine was based on the fact that the collision detection expects a D-pad, as in you turn very sharply.  And now since the motion-controlled camera allows you to turn very smoothly, you can hit slopes at completely unexpected angles, which completely confuses the collision detection.

 

So what does this have to do with Microsoft buying Mojang?  EVERYTHING.  Look what Microsoft did with Banjo-Kazooie!  They released Banjo-Kazooie: Nuts and Bolts, which completely changed the genre from “collect-a-thon” to “car game”.

 

Lemme repeat the new genre:  “car game”.  Because the current generation loves cars.  Burnout.  Grand Theft Auto.  QED.

 

They even made fun of the old genre by running a short little demo in-game where you control Banjo and you have to run in basically a straight line collecting gold floaty things.  Then the game stops you and says “No, no, it’s too painful to watch.”  I’m serious.

 

Microsoft is not a games company.  They try, and they sort of succeed maybe, but they really just piss everyone off.  The Xbox One.

 

Also Windows 8.  Their idea department needs work (although my awesome adjusting powers led me to like the interface somewhat, but it’s really a tablet interface, except sometimes it’s not…more on that if I feel like it).

 

So what will Microsoft do to Minecraft?  Remove Javascript.  I’m calling that right now.  The first thing they’ll do is port it to their own engine (M3D v1.12.31.1.5 BuildD11A278).  And rename it Microcraft.

 

Beyond that, I am afraid to think of what a giant professional company like Microsoft will do to the result of just derping around.  I am really afraid.

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The Apple Keynote #applewatch #iphone6 #applefail

This was a big keynote.  And not just because Apple unveiled the Watch.  But also because of the huge fail that was the derpy livestream and the stupid Chinese translator woman thing whatever.

 

I’m going to be talking about all of these things at once in this post.  I don’t care if this makes the post awkward to read.  Shut up.

 

——

The huge fail

–

What the fuck happened here?  Did Apple not even realize what would happen if the entire Internet started screaming about Apple unveiling the first shit-ton of innovation since Steve Jobs died?  I mean wow, the servers acted like crap!  And the only reason for this was that everyone was watching!  And unless you live under a rock in Antartica and are not human, you’ll understand how fandoms act in general.  Just look at the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (MLP:FiM) fandom!  I should know!  I’m part of it!

So I actually have some science about what actually happened.  So sit down and let me explain.

There is a main server which the video is initially streamed to.  That main server then streams the video to a bunch of other servers, that are in turn connected to switch boxes.  Whenever a client computer requests a video stream, it connects to a switch box.  That switch box then reroutes that client to one of the secondary servers, and that secondary server begins streaming the video to the client.

So here’s the problem:  Every single person on Earth was streaming.  So the secondary servers were barely keeping up.  In fact they were SO overburdened, that they couldn’t even request the stream from the main server correctly.  So what would happen is one of the secondary servers might be so strained that it will actually introduce a massive delay in the video stream.  So the client computer might be doing okay until its secondary server freezes from too many requests.  Then the computer user refreshes his browser.  So the client reconnects to the switch box, which connects the client to a different secondary server.  The issue here is that other secondary server had been so strained from before, that it is actually playing a piece of the stream from 3 minutes or more ago.

And that is just bad.  Taking a leaf from The Apple Byte: “That is a Bad Apple! *really realistic screaming noise and a picture of an evil apple*”

 

Now the Chinese translator.  I actually don’t hate her anymore.  I’ve figured that it was just a simple mistake of crossed wires.  Her audio track probably got on the English-language audio track by total accident.

But if it wasn’t an accident, then I have to ask…WHY.  It doesn’t seem like Apple to have two different language tracks running at the same time without even majorly ducking the English track (ducking meaning lowering the volume of).

In fact even if it WAS an accident, then…HOW?  How did Apple miss that detail?  It’s known for securing details so that everything just works!

Someone told me it was Apple reaching out to China.  And to that I say go home and sit in the corner.  It was just bad execution.

 

——

The iPhone 6 and iPhone 6 Plus

–

Bigger screens Apple?  Getting cold feet are we, Apple?  Designing an entirely new feature called Reachability that very awkwardly slides the entire screen downward just so you can reach the top of the interface with one hand?

Yeah…they’re cheating by forcing innovation just for the sake of catching up with the competition.  Hey, at least Reachability will prevent some of the tech support calls calling out Apple for making devices harder to use.

The first time I saw the screen slide downward, I thought “split screen!”  But nope.  It literally is just so your one hand can do things all on its own.  Because smaller is better…oh wait.

Some new camera stuff made it in as well.  Cool.  The iPhone is getting even farther into being not a phone but an iEverything.

And Apple Pay (Pay).  I love it.  Your credit card is now diamonds (or at least it will be in October). Do-do-doo-doo-doo-do-do-do.

——

The Watch

–

Holy hell.  Jony has really plastered his name all over this one.  It looks like it would be an absolute joy to use.  Especially with the gaddamn-ly cute smiley faces.  Who the hell could hate those guys??

cutesmileyLOOK AT HIM!  Isn’t he the cutest? (Screenshot directly from Apple’s Keynote)

 

It’s also jam-packed with everything including the kitchen sink (and you could make an app for that).  Er, sorry, I should of said:  It’s jam-packed with everything including the entire solar system.  Yes…you can view the current position of every single planet in the solar system, on a screen that’s smaller than your iPhone 3G.  Why?  When would you use this on a daily basis?  I dunno…but it’s cool.

 

Now for the new form of communication…hmmmmmm.  This will be very interesting.

They didn’t actually give it a name, so for the moment I’ll refer to it as IntiTalk (intimate talking).

 

With IntiTalk you can tap to another person on the Watch screen.  Just activate IntiTalk by pressing the Contacts button (because that’s all the side button does apparently), then tapping on the contacts picture of the person you want to talk to, then tap on the screen or draw something, and the other person’s Watch will alert them and recreate the taps or drawing.  You can also send other people your heartbeat by placing two fingers on the IntiTalk interface.  Sending other people your heartbeat…do any hospitals want to jump on the Apple bus yet?  I can’t tell.

 

There’s so much shit packed into this thing that I don’t know what to go after next.  Maps?  Passbook?  Fitness?

Maps has an interface.  Like, a map interface.  You can see a map on the freaking tiny screen.  Apple is destined to push computers until even technology itself can’t keep up and Apple has to move to stem cells and organic components.  Then humanity won’t be able to keep up and they will lock Apple in jail for life.

 

The Option-Shift-KWatch–oops, I mean the Watch will also become your personal fitness trainer.  It will annoy you for days and days to go out and exercise while you yell at it to shut up and throw Cheeto bags at it.

 

Wow apple.  IntiTalk (Antitank??  Really autocorrect?!?  What even is that?), goofy smiley faces, the fact that you actually went with the smallest screen in the world, the soloar system on your wrist…

 

I only have one thing to say:

 

 

 

 

 

#freejonyive

 

I’m kidding.  I honestly think Jony has finally adjusted to software.  Jony’s great for Apple.  Apple needs Jony.

Posted on

Automated Snippet of Apple Keynote From Launch Center

[Post by Launch Center Pro for iPhone]

I want to share with you a snippet of things having to do with Apple Keynote.

And the snippet is:
I think everything wasn’t thought through. Or it was last minute. I’ll make a proper post about it later if I can.

That is all. Have a nice day.

(The only reason I didn’t use Twitter for this is because this way it’s posted everywhere in exactly the same way because I’m lazy.)

Posted on

What the fuck just happened #applewatch #wtf #apple

[WARNING:  Major swearing ahead]

 

Um.

 

I don’t even.  You can view the entire solar system on your watch, complete with 3D animated emoji with editable widgets and heartbeat readings while an Asian lady constantly prattles on and your livestream goes down the toilet.

 

That was the most incredible and awkward thing I have ever seen.

 

Oh my fucking god…*runs away laughing and beats Tim Cook over the head with a spork*

 

…and now I can’t lead in to anything.  So ABRUPT SHIFT.

 

The iWatch.  Or I guess we’re supposed to call it the Apple Watch…or Watch.

 

—AHHHH–*crash*

 

Sorry, what?  Oh yeah.

 

It has a clock, yes…but it also has the solar system.  You can literally see the current position of EACH OF THE PLANETS.

LET ME SAY THAT LOUDER:
YOU CAN VIEW THE CURRENT POSITION OF EVERY SINGLE PLANET IN THE SOLAR SYSTEM ON YOUR WATCH. WHY

As you can tell, I can’t even process this correctly.  This entire livestream.  The Asian lady.

The…

The…

The Asian lady needs to get a life.  Seriously.  Don’t make an Apple Keynote harder to hear to get more fans, because that won’t get you more fans.

 

You will notice they got rid of her halfway through.  Um, WHY THE FUCK DID YOU GET HER JUST TO GET RID OF HER????

 

And the GOD FUCKING SERVER OVERLOADS.  This is the best keynote Apple could ever stream because it contains a completely new product, and the damn servers fucked it up!!  I finally had to go over to twit.com, and Dad even had to suggest it to me because I didn’t even know it existed!  And even Twit had issues!  Not with their side, but with the Apple livestream itself!

 

Twitter exploded!  Apple fans died of shock!  Steve Jobs’s ghost took over the world in a fit of rage!  Watch critics’s heads exploded!  There was blood, ghosts and anarchy everywhere!
THIS WAS THE WORST.  AND THE BEST.  AND THE MOST AWKWARD.  KEYNOTE.  OF. ALL. TIME.

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What I expect from Sept. 9th’s Keynote #apple #iphone6 #iwatch

Hey you guys. Hey guys: A wearable is coming out.

 

Yeah, you’ll soon be able to bling out with Apple merch and pimp your swag…sorry.

 

 

Anyway, what actually is happening tomorrow?

A keynote.  What kind of keynote?  An iPhone 6 keynote.  The iPhone 6 is going to be thinner and faster and sleeker and shinier and sexier and…other things…….yeah.

 

But what’s this about a wearable?  A completely new product?  A thing that so many Apple fans are going to scrutinize VERRRRRY closely in order to determine if Apple still has Steve Job’s DNA inside of it?  A thing that fans are calling…the iWatch?

 

Yup.  A timepeice.  A clock.  Apple is making a clock.  But it won’t be just any clock.  You can wear it on your wrist, and if you can wear it on your wrist, you can track movement.  And if you can track movement, you can tie it in with another new app in iOS 8:  Health.  No, it’s not called Healthbook anymore, it’s just called Health.

 

So…what is this iWatch and how will it work?

 

The internet has no freaking clue.  And if the internet has no clue, then Apple is doing its job protecting its products.

 

Just watch:  The iWatch will come up on the projector screen.  It’s sexy curves and expertly machined metal exterior will wow the audience.  Jony Ive will get poetic about how great it is.  Tim Cook will rant on and on…

And then it will become clear that the iWatch does 2, maybe 3 things because of the damn screen size.  You’re welcome, now here’s an asprin.

 

 

As for the iPhone?

 

Well…it’s an iPhone.  Sorry to disappoint, but barring the addition of third-party keyboards which Android has, widgets which Android has, NFC which Android has, Android parts which Android has…it’s just going to be a new iPhone.  Combined with a Nike fuel band and $1,000,000 worth of hospital equipment (oh wait, what am I trying to say again?)

 

HA, just kidding.  Look below the surface you guys.  It helps.

 

On the software side, I’ll expect the Gold Master beta version of iOS 8 to come out after the keynote.  If you don’t know what a Gold Master version is, it’s the final beta version before the software goes public.

And if there isn’t a “One More Thing” at the end, the audience will explode with broken traditions.

 

Maybe the “One More Thing” will be the iWatch.

Maybe the “One More Thing” will be an actual TV set for Apple TV.

Maybe it will be a second completely new product.

Maybe…

Posted on

iOS 8 beta 5 #ios #apple #beta

…and the fun doesn’t stop with beta 1!  As it was with all betas, once you got in through some shenanigans, the system will allow you to continue even if the other betas are smarter than the first!

 

…or you can step out of the betas then step back in using an external UDID service like I did.

 

Anyway, what’s in this beta?  A new Tips app!  And what does it look like?

Well it’s pretty simple.  Just a few movies and pictures showing you how to do certain things.

 

There’s a few odd things though.  At least two of the movies actually have an audio track.  And the thing is, the movies aren’t supposed to have an audio track!  Take the Mail movie.  The movie shows that you can slide a mail entry to the side to expose some actions, and if you slide it all the way to the left, you can delete or archive it.  Now, if you put on headphones (because it only works with headphones for some reason), and turn the volume all the way up, you can hear something screeching (it sounds like a modern train slowing down or speeding up), then the sound stops and you can hear the hissing that most microphones have when there is no sound.

 

Another movie that has this is the Actionable Notifications movie.  This movie shows if you pull down on a push notification, you can expose a reply text field or buttons.  Now if you use the headphone trick, at the very beginning there is the sound of either something being put down gently on a wooden table or a button being pressed, a scooting sound, then nothing but hissing.

 

I found that extremely odd.  Especially since there really should not be a microphone active.  I’m assuming they screen recorded their iPads using a program, and that program also used any microphones attached.  Again, it is a beta, and some things are going to be a little weird until they finalize everything.

 

One thing I did notice is that Handoff doesn’t work.  It turns out I actually did get into the Yosemite Public Beta (legit this time), and I tried Handoff out, and…it didn’t work at all.  I tried it with Safari and Pages, and no matter how often I did it, neither device caused the other to do anything.

 

As I understand Handoff, the devices know when they are near each other, and create a local peer-to-peer network.  Then they use a specific library of functions to communicate the last used app and its state to each other (encrypted of course).

I’m thinking some of that isn’t working, and I don’t know enough to figure that out.

 

The other changes since the last time I talked about the beta, is a redesigned Control Center.  It now has filled in buttons instead of outlines.  Therefore it looks more finalized, some quirk of design that honestly I haven’t figured out yet.

 

It’s still lags for some reason, and sometimes I can get it to hang for more than 5 seconds.  It should really actually know when it’s hanging, and should kill the least important processes (although the reason it’s hanging is probably because it can’t get any instructions through…I wonder if Apple will be able to circumvent that).

 

Also another change that NO ONE has picked up on for some reason, is that the Videos app now actually displays something on the screen while the video is loading.  It displays the box art and the title, and also covers the rest of the screen with a blurred version of the box art (at least I think it’s supposed to be blurred…but I guess Apple deems the iPad 2 less powerful, so it only displays a really dim non-blurred image.  Apple is trying to keep the iPad 2 in the compatibility list, but I guess it’s a real stretch).

 

So the user experience continues to be incredibly laggy good, and the experience will continue to improve…I hope.

 

(Technically I should be on Beta 6 right now…but Apple has saved that version for the carriers.  AT&T has that version…not the developers.  Betas are weird.)

Posted on

I have cracked Apple’s strange behavior #apple #mapsissues #ios7

(I don’t feel like trusting the internet on this, so there will be no links (except one).  Sorry!

I did do research on this, however, and I promise you’ll be able to find everything via Google.)

 

I decided to do homework after Apple had promised a lot of features with the Maps app in iOS 8, but did not deliver.

 

That alone is exceedingly strange for a company that promises on features and 1-ups every single thing it comes into contact with.  In fact it implies Apple’s going downhill, like there’s some sort of conflict going on inside Apple.

And there IS a conflict.  And it’s been going on for a really long time.  Since 2012 (hey, that’s a long time technology-wise!).

 

It all started with iOS 6’s Apple Maps.  Apple had dumped Google’s API and replaced it with its own implimentation.  And it was poorly done.  Labels and roads were in the wrong place, missing, or misnamed.  The terrain wasn’t built correctly in some places.  And it was just a total mess.

Then Tim Cook issued a public apology in the form of a letter written on Apple’s website apologizing for the horrible experience that Apple Maps had given users.  That angered Scott Forstall.

 

Scott Forstall joined Apple in 1997, after his last company, NeXT, got bought out by Apple.  He then became the software designer of the Macintosh and iOS families, and he reportedly “ran the iOS mobile software team like clockwork and was widely respected for his ability to perform under pressure”.

 

But he didn’t like apologizing and implying that Apple had issues.  So when Tim Cook put out that letter and asked Scott to sign it, Scott refused.  The letter went out anyway, and that caused Forstall to get angry, so on October 29, 2012, Apple issued a statement that Scott was going to leave Apple in 2013.

 

With Forstall out, Apple could finally move on with the interface because Forstall was apparently a total Stiff I guess (a term I made up describing someone who only believes in one thing).

Enter iOS 7, a technicolor exercise in eye-strain research!  Okay, not really.  Honestly I think this is what Apple was trying to do with its UIs in the first place, just that no one knew how to use a touchscreen phone at first and once Scott finalized his UI, he figured it was the ONLY UI that would work.  Damn Stiffs.

But before iOS 7 was released, Apple decided to try an experiment.  Since these happy bright colors tickled the designers in the right way, why not make a phone that did the same thing?  A colorful plastic exterior would fit in really nicely with the new color-oriented software, and colors make people happy.  Why else would you paint a room your favorite color?

So the iPhone 5c was born!  And almost immediately flopped as people actually realized it was made of plastic.  As in it wasn’t just some marketing ploy, calling it plastic to make it seem more lively, it was ACTUALLY made of plastic.

At least iOS 7 did better than the 5c…although people hated iOS 7 for almost the same reason.  iOS 7 looked as flimsy as the 5c, seemingly hastily pasted together with spit and prayers.  That and the 5c actually was just the 5 with a new paint job.  Honestly.

 

Notice I haven’t mentioned Jony Ive yet.  I couldn’t find any articles about his switch to software until April 9, 2014, after iOS 7 came out.  That was also when I found out that Jony didn’t like Greg Christie.

 

*searches for a Wikipedia article on him and sees that there is none*

Uh…he was also involved with the iOS user interface.  Yeah.  He was also ousted.

 

This is the beginning of Apple’s strange behavior.  Before Greg was ousted, but after iOS 7, OS X Mavericks became available.  And it didn’t look like iOS 7 at all.  In fact it looked more like Mountain Lion.  Even stranger, while the Keynote for Mavericks showed onscreen that Game Center had gotten rid of the casino-table skeuomorphism, the build of Mavericks that got released to the public still had the casino table!

And did anyone notice that iBooks basically looks the same between OS X Mavericks and the Public Beta of OS X Yosemite?  Maps has changed visually substantially, but iBooks looks almost exactly the same.

 

After Mavericks, iOS 8 was announced.  It had a whole slew of new features:  Controlling your house, seamlessly switching between devices, third-party keyboards, and transit directions in Maps.  All those features appeared in the betas…except for transit directions.  With no real explanation, as the betas rolled out, those new types of directions never came out (and I’ve looked firsthand!).

 

Now here we stand, Apple somewhat divided against itself, hiring companies left and right, trying to keep its cool.

 

“A [company] divided against itself cannot stand. I believe this government cannot endure, permanently, half [Scott Forstall] and half [Jony Ive]. I do not expect [Apple] to be dissolved — I do not expect the [company] to fall — but I do expect it will cease to be divided. It will become all one thing or all the other.” – Abraham Lincoln

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Our trip with the sea otters #montereybay #seaotter

No, we didn’t actually swim WITH sea otters, but we went on a kayaking trip and got to see sea see sea otters.  (tee hee).

 

And we apparently went on one with a rookie tour guide, because the first other  creature we saw, the tour guide didn’t know what it was.  That is always a good sign (no offense to the tour or the guide).

 

The creature was this jelly sack thing.  It looked like a zebra if a zebra was a slug.  It was as big as a child’s hand and it was literally this sack of internal organs, and it sprayed this yellow ink when we picked it up (well it didn’t actually spray, but it oozed it out).

 

But this has nothing to do with sea otters.

Something that has to do with it is when one of them climbed up on a kayak.

 

One of our classmates was tooling around somewhere very far away from the tour guide for whatever reason, and a sea otter just jumped up and climbed onto the back of the kayak and just laid there like the otter owned it.

There was also a dog.  In the kayak.  It actually didn’t do a damn thing.  I don’t know why.

 

So we shoved the otter off the boat.  After that the otter just rolled over onto its back and didn’t give any more shits.  That was okay…we had enough shits.*//Delete this joke//*

 

After this we drove to the hotel, waited until the dead of night and then me, my brother, and his girlfriend explored the hotel.  And rooted through every drawer we could find (they did, not me).

Once we made it to the ground floor, we sat around a fireplace and my brother stole an apple because apples are cool I guess.  Then my brother’s girlfriend made a joke about the vase of flowers on the table.  Because we apparently assumed she was a plant.

 

We talked about her sudden transformation into a humanoid plant, then she said she could hear other plants talking.  We asked her what the flowers on the table were saying, and she told us: “They’re saying: ‘We are GMO plants and we have no soul!‘”

It was funny.  Because being genetically engineered apparently means your leafy-green exterior will be sent straight to hell as soon as you die…or something like that.

And plants understand that they’re GMO’ed and what that means.  Obviously.

 

Anyway, barring oddly specific plant telepathy, after that we went to the aquarium and saw otters get fed.  They were cute.

Then hip-hop jellyfish.  Because the thing you think of when you see bright flashing wobbly-glass-like creatures of death, is hip-hop/rock/90’s/whatever music.  Or at least that’s what the people that built the exhibit thought of.

And there was this tank with little cute jellyfish that were lots of different colors and there were so many and they went push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push-push and then one of them bopped into the tank wall and AWWW KAWAII DESU NE?!

But the one disappointing thing about the exhibit is that the one room that actually HAD flashing lights (because none of the other rooms did for one reason or none), didn’t use hip-hop music.  NAN DESU KA?!?

Anyway, that was our trip.  Kind of boring, but kind of cool.  Ish.